Friday, January 29, 2016

into the hole... depression

  It had been 5 day's since I had been back to work.  I just happened to get scheduled that way, but it ended up for the best. 
 My doc agreed, it's time to go off the meds.  My Ashtma meds.  I had been using the same daily steroid inhaler since childhood.  Then recently in the past decade, various doctors switched me to whatever seemed to be the trend at the time.  It started with Advir.  My asthma hadn't changed in years, but the doctor I was seeing at the time, decided that my medication should change.  So they switched me to Advir.  
 My 1st reaction was a quickened heartbeat, followed by the inability to catch my breath.  Not quite an asthma attack, but similar to the start of one.  Then it would seem like my heart stopped & everything would be still.  It was like as if my body was frozen in time for a brief moment.  Then all of a sudden I'd feel normal. 
  I told the doc & was told this would go away.  It didn't.  In fact I actually contracted a lung infection due to the medication.  A side effect that is now lmentiomed in its commercials. 
  So back to the old inhaler I went.  This continued for several years until I moved to AZ.  
 At first I found a wonderful doc (the one I am back to seeing no matter what the wait), but when they were not available, I was sent to the regular physician.  
 They chose to again change my medication.  This time it was partly my fault as I was asking if there was a more economical treatment.  They gave me a prescription of Pulmicort Flexhaler.  
 It was helping my asthma wonderfully.  I did notice my eyes would get tired & blur very easily, but I figured that was worth the breath.  I had also noticed I seemed to be all of a sudden behaving anxious.  I started biting my nails.  Like REALLY biting them.  At times I couldn't even stop until it was down to the nub.  They would hurt the next day, but again, I would find myself at my nails... chomp chomp chomp.  Again this was one of the possible side effects, but the medication was helping my breathing so well, I figured it was worth it.
  I then went to fill the prescription.  HOLY SHIT!!!  It was over $250!  
 So again I went back to the doc.  This time the last doc I saw had retired, the one I liked was booked, so they put me with a wanabedoc.  Again I asked if there was a generic etc.  Something I could afford as I had no insurance.  I was then given Symbicort. I was told it was basically the same thing, but should be much less expensive.  Well I should have Googled it.
  Symbicort was on the same list of drugs as Advir is having similar side effects with similar asthmatics.  
 But I didn't & away I puffed.  It only took me a couple of puffs to realize that this was no good for me.  So I sucked it up & w/in 3 day's was back on the expensive Pulmicort.  That's when the depression started to become noticeable. 
  I had already noticed that my mood swings during my rag time were getting extremely drastic.  Then I was getting really upset right before & after rag time.  Soon it was every day.  The sun would set & I became irritated, moody, my thoughts would be violent, morbid or sexual.  Not my usual everyday thoughts.


   I didn't feel like me. 
  Then I did some further research.  Not only was depression a side effect of being on these medications, it was also a side effect of being off of them!  
 So in my case, a flip flop of these wonderful drugs, put me into a state that was slowly ruining my life.  Or so it felt. 
  I called the doc office & told them I would only see my fav.  They got me in immediately due to the situation.  As I had already realized that my depression was medically induced.  I started to wean off the Pulmicort (no sense in filling it if it was going to put me in the crazy house).  When I saw the doc she agreed to go off the asthma meds, aside from the emergency inhaler I had been using since childhood w/out any side effect.  I agreed. 
  Living in OB & up 80 steps has helped my breathing.  I also eat raw wild honey & this season I will try bee therapy. 
  I was told that the depression & anxiety should start to go away within two weeks.  If not I may have to go on a mild anti-depressant.  NO THANK YOU.

So I'm going it on my own.  
 I let my boss & family know.  Some of my friends know, but its also kind of embarrassing, so if I didn't have to let someone know, I didn't.  This didn't make my personal life any easier.  I was lucky to be scheduled off until today (Friday).  I was able to be miserable.  
  My hubby was going insane.  He didn't know what to do.  We would fight, because I would get all upset over some tiny thing, but in my brain it was huge.  So he started by making sure I was eating right.  Then he'd get me outside.  Beyond the house.  This helped.  I also found that if I could associate a number to something, it didn't make me as anxious.  
 My skin probably looks fabulous from all the tears I've shed over the last week alone.  But it sneaks up on you. 
  Today was my first day back since Sunday.  5 day's.  I got up, took a shower, made coffee, fed/walked dogs, had coffee with the hubby... did our normal thing.  Then I went to work. 
  As I was walking up the steps my heart started to race.  I though, it's just the steps.  Then as I crossed the tracks ( I work in a mine w/tiny trains).  I started to feel light headed.   I got into the building & the feeling went into my stomach... apparently it was on my face as well because a co-worker took one look at me and asked if I was OK.  I wasn't.
  I walked right through the building to the opposite side & back out side.  I stopped.  My heart was racing.  I started to gag.  I moved over into the wood pile area & sat down on a stoop.  I forced myself to take deep breaths to slow my heartrate.  It worked.  I sat there for a few minutes before I felt ok to stand.  Wow.   It  hit me like a ton of bricks. 
  I had already been feeling like I was losing my mind with the depression, but to now have such a horrible anxiety attack at work.  I am glad I am not going to be on those horrible meds any more.  The bad thing is, there is always the fear that my asthma will come back in horrendous force.  
 But my mom said to me once.  You cannot live life being afraid.  And I want to live my life.

I still have a good week to go before the doc said I should start feeling better.  I'm hoping that with diet, exercise & plenty of huggs from my hubby... I"ll be able to pull through this.

...

  A week has passed & I do feel myself coming back.  I'm still having anxiety attacks, but they are less severe.  I've been eating better, crying less & in general my mood has stayed level.  The one bad thing is my asthma is getting worse @ night again.  I'm hoping some natural remedies will help as I enjoy the sanity of happiness:)