Friday, April 29, 2011

I just don't know.

It's Friday... payday... the most depressing day of the week... @ least that's how I feel.  But I don't want to 'poor mouth' as my pops would say.  I'm wealthy in riches money can't buy.  I have an incredible family, friends & the best husband on the planet. 

It's a funny thing, my husband & I.

We met online... on a pagan website.  It was called the Witchvox.  I had just moved back to Massatucky after a long stink of being a gypsy.  Raised in a strict Catholic family.  I ended up with a curiosity about life that went beyond the steeple.  So I decided to find what is out there on my own... seek my own faith outside the box.  That's when I met Buster.  He was kind of doing the same thing.  It wasn't long after our 1st date that we moved in together and the next thing you know we were barefoot on the beach getting hitched.  We created our own service and had it officiated per MA law.  It was a non-denominational ceremony.  There was no vow of faith, other than to each other.

Faith.

I don't have it in the sense that most do.  It's hard for me to accept that the lord (an entity I have not accepted as most believe) let alone have faith that this entity will provide.  I have faith that if I'm a jerk it's going to come back to me three fold.  But that is more Karma than what most would call faith.  We both shared a similar belief in this matter.  We held no faith that excused us from worry.  There was no sense of everything would be OK.  Working hard and getting nowhere, the stress was taking it's toll.  I would often freak out over finances and how we were going to make it.  Then one evening, while we were sitting in the kitchen and I was having one of my freak outs, worrying about the future... He looked at me and said, "Don't worry.  I know this sounds crazy, but I found Jesus and he will provide."  I was a bit shocked, I didn't know what to say.  Where did this come from and was he serious... he looked serious... he looked... calm.  Has he really found Jesus?  What does this mean?  I started to freak out again (this time only on the inside).  I just sat there , calm on the outside, but confused as hell on the inside.  I look into his eyes filled with this new found faith, and said, "OK".  He smiled.  I felt relieved the conversation didn't go further and added this new configuration to my worries.  Trying to make sense of it all and figure where this left us if we now shared different beliefs.

How is it when we find ourselves at our worst he has found such a powerful force to believe in?  Will I be able to find such a faith in this lord Jesus?  I feel such a distrust when it comes to JC.  I don't know how or when I lost it or if I really had it to begin with, but we often talk about faith.  Now, every once in a while, he'll read me a passage from the bible if it's fitting.  Not like he's shoving it down my throat.  I'm too stubborn for that.  He's just sharing what he believes, and I share with him my disbelief.  Then when I am sobbing over the thought of tomorrow, he is calm.  The lord will provide, he tells me.  And somehow we're provided for.  How I don't know.  It's not like our troubles go away, but we always seem to end up with just enough to get by.  So I'm really torn.  I'm thankful for the blessings, but I am lost to understand or believe where they all come from and why now.  Why when I'm at my most convinced there is no such thing as god, I'm led to question his (or her, because that part I'm not so sure about either) existence.

So it's back to faith.  His strong faith seems to be carrying us through and it's holding my virtual hand telling me not to worry.  The lord will provide.  I take a deep breath and try to understand.  Perhaps it is not meant for me to understand and that's the problem.  Maybe that's what faith is. 

I just don't know.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

good to the last drop

So recently we ran out of oil... we had no hot water & no heat (good thing it was 40 something outside & both of us had already taken showers) we didn't even know until the downstairs neighbor told me (it's a shared utility w/the association) but yeah... gets me thinking... when we are finally in RAQUEL we need to look for alternate forms of energy (something we want to do anyways... live solar) not only would they be better for the environment but they will also save us oodles... oil may be good to the last drop but it's WICKED expensive!

In other news (insert cricket sound here) JK... well not really... I don't really have much news to tell... I did finally hawk my engagement ring from the X (what a GREAT feeling... it had been collecting dust for over a decade) we celebrated by going to Majors... what a GREAT way to get rid of a sour memory... turn it into something you can enjoy... Hickory ribs & beer... good to the last drop:)

Friday, April 1, 2011

Thanks mom

Well it's April fools day... & it's slushing outside... yes slushing.  Slushing is not quite snow, not quite rain, it's some kind of frozen nastiness in between, wicked heavy to shovel & quite frankly it sucks.  But I'd rather deal w/slush than tsunamis & earthquakes... my heart still goes out to Japan. 

While I was walking the boys in this lovely weather I started to think about our walk the other day.  While on our morning walk, the corner neighbor had her pooches out.  The aroma of cheap perfume waft around me as one of her dogs ran across the street to say hello.  Apparently it's the owners way of masking the dogs menstrual scent... it didn't work.  (I really didn't appreciate being pounced on by a bitch in heat) ICK! 

We also stopped to say hi to Mr. D (he's the old farmer/fisher dude that lives down by the water) he told us stories about when his mom used to have the whole yard filled with gardens.  (She had 8 children & lived into her 90's)  He said they grew everything... snow peas, cabbage, tomatoes, spices & herbs... "wherever you see grass she had something growing" he said.  Sanchez loves Mr. D.  He gets all excited if Mr. D's outside as we are coming down the street & tries to talk to Mr. D (in his doggie way)  I'll miss hearing Mr. D's mini stories when we leave, but I'll be glad to leave... slush... really?

Well it's better for us that it's slushy today & not yesterday.  Not only did I get to have a nice walk with the boys (we were up so early we caught the sunrise so pink & pretty)
but Buster was able to do his job without having to deal with this crap.  He had a really long day, but his customers were groovy people.

Today is not groovy... it's gross out... it's April fools day & Mother nature is making sure we know it.  Thanks mom.